boundaries
setting them, learning from them, and changing your mind
You’re a giver who also prefers to stay sane.
In my latest therapy session, we praised my ability to set and stick to boundaries I made for myself based on what I needed and wanted. A month and a half ago, my husband and I shared the most fun, lively, thoughtful, beautiful, and us wedding in Hudson Valley, New York. After following with a week in Bermuda, celebrating our love with quiet time between us and the Atlantic, our life set motion again.
We shifted back into work mode - where both of us reached some uncertain, yet positive twists in the road. Sticking to the one day at a time, bite-size piece approach, we did the best we could each day to make decisions within our control. Then, we could choose based on the information we had or flow in the river, when we did not have control. Sometimes, work-related decisions felt like swirling a finger and seeing where it ended up like in a game of MASH. Other times, they were led and felt by the gut reaction, putting one foot forward in any direction.
On top of work, we were planning ahead. This consisted of discussing the necessary steps before moving out September 29th to go on our honeymoon and then city-hop around the United States and Mexico - which we had decided to do long before our wedding. In preparation, we spent a month selling all items that were not necessary to keep or that we were unable to keep, by deciding to not purchase a storage box in New York City, where we live(d). During this time, what felt like a second job was spent placing items on Facebook Marketplace and organizing stoop sales to save up for our adventures. My husband and I also scheduled times on our calendar to work together on planning our upcoming travels.
Although we have a household rule that we begin to wind down after 9pm, we decided to bend this boundary because for a temporary amount of time, we needed more time in the day to finalize career next steps, sell items to save money, plan for travel, spend quality time with friends, give ourselves days to rest, pack everything we do own in boxes and duffels, ship everything across the United States to my parents’ home, and take a breath to maintain sanity.
During this month, we were thrown curveballs. Friends experienced various hardships and we wanted to show up. I learned I have higher cholesterol than I should and I had to get a permanent retainer replaced by my orthodontist the day before we left. And as much as two people can plan and prepare, there still can be a life-threatening torrential flood in New York on the day you move.
Through our competing focuses, we needed to be thoughtful with how we manage time. My tendency has been to help another before helping myself. This kindness has been a blessing and a curse and I have gained better control of my time by acting intentional. A friend asked if I could remind her to pick up an item at our house that we were giving away. I said no. As much as I thought that would be an easy way to help a friend, that task was beyond my capacity at the time. Instead, I bagged the item and put a sticky note with her name on it, for pickup.
After days of working, planning, and talking to way too many people on Facebook Marketplace, I needed a night to myself. My husband was going out with a friend. I received multiple texts from him and other friends who had run into each other at a bar just ten minutes away.
My friends messaged, “Come over!!” as I laid, perfectly starfished in bed, relaxed. I responded, “Not tonight - need to rest. Have fun!” I then took a moment to recognize that I said no without FOMO, happy that they’re having fun, and was honest about not wanting to go at that time.
I saved my sanity for the upcoming days by resting this night and I set that boundary.
In reflection, we have done a lot in one month. We haven’t fully processed turning over the keys in an apartment that we loved for three years, but we made it on our honeymoon and we are ready for the adventures ahead.
I am proud of us. And I am impressed that we rarely got overwhelmed because we were organized, planned accordingly, and created boundaries when the line of capacity could be seen.
You’re still a giver who also sets and maintains boundaries - because you are as important as the next person. It is up to you to take care of yourself.
Impressive planning to ease stress. ❤️
Love this!